Sometimes, we need self-compassion the most for our unanticipated difficulties. For instance, the friend or acquaintance, who is a little unsure of himself, and has to compensate by trying to rouse us to anger, frustration, or self-consciousness. Their strategy is based on pursuing their targets with some charm, and pretense of positive intention, while insidiously trying to wear down their self-confidence. The goal is to get social approval and perceived power from the people, who surround them.
You do not need to get defensive, you just need to get angry to let these kind of personalities win. It gives them the sense that they have power over your emotions, and given the dearth of self-confidence they have, now they will try even harder to upset or unnerve you. Eventually, you will tire of this pursuit, and relent, and they will emerge victorious from this conversation.
Self-Compassion Steps For Managing The Instigator
To be successful, the instigator requires you to be defensive and not self-compassionate. Once you acknowledge that their words have upset you, then you can acknowledge that you have come by these feelings naturally, and you can be kind to yourself. This will instill confidence in you. You will immediately see the limits of the instigator’s power, and begin to feel how strange it is to pretend to be friendly with someone, and pick on them just to get the social approval of others. I mean, how confident can someone really be who depends on others for approval?
Once, you have established this process, you will be more apt to observe and bring kindness to these attempts swiftly, which will leave you more time to call the other person out, or simply move on to a more meaningful conversation. How do you call them out? Simply say, “Wow, this is a weird conversation. Maybe, there is somebody else you would like to confess your feelings to?”
In this way, you take care of yourself by acknowledging that there is nothing in this conversation for you, and you allow the other person to apologize or find someone else with whom to continue their discussion.” Some people like to instigate each other. Who knows? You might just be pushing them in the direction of a future best friend!
No Time To Waste
Never forget. Your time is valuable! You are deserving of kindness, and support on your journey. You do not have time to take a detour for someone else’s ego, and it would not truly serve them in the end, anyway.
365 Days Of Self-Compassion. Day 199. In The Books.