Self-Compassion For Getting Stuck On Your Ex

Stuck On Your Ex

If there is a time for self-compassion, it is when you start to think about your ex.  The tough thing about dating is that viable partners are spaced so far between each other that it creates a feeling of scarcity, so sometimes we impulsively pick someone new without thinking about whether they are a really good fit, or we toil over the memory of our ex.  So, you might be saying to yourself, “I don’t know why I feel so desperate to go back to my ex.  I have so many options.”  Believe it or not, we are all vulnerable to this.  Even if you have millions of suitors a day, there is a small likelihood that they any one of them is a good fit.

So, what do we do if our minds keep circling back to our ex?  Wasn’t there a reason we broke up in the first place?  Of course, there was, but after some time has passed without any viable options, you begin to think that there may not be someone out there as good for you as your ex.  This is a sad feeling we want to get rid of as soon as possible, so we call the ex.  It may take a little while or it may take a long while, but we almost invariably remember why we broke up in the first place, and things end, leaving us feeling disappointed. 

Breaking The Cycle Of Going Back To Our Exes With Self-Compassion

The thing about worrying and wanting is that it is different from acting.  So, there is an opportunity to notice our concerns, acknowledge our wish to resolve it with our ex, and to validate how we have come by these feelings naturally instead of immediately calling the ex.  With the space provided by this compassion, we can now do something that is purely inspired by kindness, and then ask ourselves, “What do I really need to be happy?”

The good news is that your answer is very unlikely to be your ex.  The very wise, and compassionate side of you wants you to feel at ease, be inspired, and feel fulfilled with your chosen romantic partner.  It knows that you cannot settle because eventually you will become unhappy, and resent yourself and the other person.  So, instead it chooses an action that will make you feel good in the moment.  The feelings of woe, loneliness, and desperation will pass, and you will be even more aware of what you need in a potential partner, thus better guiding you towards romantic satisfaction.

Avoiding What You Don’t Want, And Getting What You Need.

Your self-compassion practice will help you zero in on the qualities that you need to feel at ease, and immersed in something meaningful with a potential partner.  In this way, it is empowering, and helps you discriminate in a way that focuses on what you need, rather than what may be appealing to your friends.  Hey, if your friends are unwilling to take responsibility for your happiness, then they don’t get to tell you who to be with.  It’s that simple!  You can still love them for trying.  There is nothing wrong with being well-intentioned.  Wishing you freedom from worries about your love life, the faith that you ex is not the answer, and the will to go out there and find someone, who will make you happy. 

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365 Days Of Self-Compassion.  Day 217.  In The Books.