Grief - What The Stages Are and Why It's Not Linear

Let’s open with two carved-in-stone facts. Everyone experiences grief. Everyone experiences grief in their own unique way. Of course, there are universal themes and trends. But each scenario is so distinct that it becomes impossible to delineate hard and fast “rules.” There are stages to grief, yes, but they follow their own unpredictable agenda.

To add to the confusion is the reality that our society avoids talking about loss and mourning. We learn by experience, and then, too often, we follow expectations by not talking much about it. This is an essential conversation that must happen regularly. With that in mind, let’s explore the stage of grief.

The 5 (or 7) Stages of Grief

There are two widely accepted models of these five or seven stages as follows:

5 Stages

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

7 Stages

1. Shock and denial

2. Pain and guilt

3. Anger and bargaining

4. Depression

5. The upward turn

6. Reconstruction and working through

7. Acceptance and hope

Obviously, some of these intersect on each list, but you get the idea. The odds are that, during a bereavement period, you will at least dip your toe into all of these feelings and perspectives. Depending on your particular needs and situation, you may backtrack a few times and spend extra time on some stops.

A major step toward resolution is the acceptance that no two people grieve the same way. In fact, no individual grieves the same way twice. So, use the above stages as a blueprint of sorts but avoid thinking of this as a race with a clear finish line.

If Grief Isn’t Linear, What Is It?

Think about it. Someone who meant the world to you is gone. How realistic is it to imagine yourself following a path from sorry to hope? So many folks express platitudes about time healing wounds. But doesn’t it make sense that you’d miss someone more as time passes? After all, every 24 hours is one more day since you saw them.

This is not meant to make things sound hopeless or bleak. Rather, what we need is a profound respect for the grief experience. Some thoughts to keep in mind:

• Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. There’s no one correct way; only you can gauge your emotions.

• People will say things like “It’s time to move on” and “Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be so sad.” They mean well, but you don’t have to take such “advice” to heart.

• Grief never fully ends, but it does change and evolve. Pay attention to your feelings and allow yourself to shift with it.

• Birthdays, anniversaries, and other reminders can and often will re-trigger fresh grief feelings.

• As tempting as it may feel to do so, do not isolate yourself. Connect with your most trusted friends and family and lean on them for support.

• Feel what you need to feel. Suppressed emotions will rise to the surface in other ways, so it’s best to deal with them as they emerge.

• There is such a thing as complicated grief. If time passes and you get increasingly overwhelmed by the despair of loss, seek professional help.

Therapy is a Proven Avenue For Healing

Grief can be a very lonely journey. At times, you will feel like no one understands your pain. This is when it can be such a relief to connect with a therapist who does not only understand but also offers healthy approaches toward healing. If you’ve experienced a loss, you are not alone. I’d love to talk with you more about this soon with grief counseling.